Friday, October 15, 2010

insider/outsider confusion

My history professor asked our class to consider Leila Achmed's autobiography, A Border Passage in terms of "insiders" and "outsiders." Yet the longer I thought, the more problematic the words become.

Initially, the categorization is simple. Achmed, as a girl born in Egypt, can be seen as an "insider" in her youth. Later, she begins her schooling in Britain and ultimately finds residence in the U.S. as a professor, reaching a point of "outsider" to her first home. Yet, it is through a scholar's eye that she returns to childhood memories, and does not just recreate them for the reader, but instead re-interprets them, finds new importance to them, and re-imagines them. Many times she uses phrases such as (to paraphrase) "if I had known then..." or "looking back now, I see this was actually all about this..." It appears that Achmed uses the status of "outsider" to better understand herself as an "insider." But if that is the case, of the current and former Ahmed's, who is the real "outsider" and who is the real "insider"? Everyone knows the phrase, "inside scoop," so is it possible for Ahmed to deliver better insider information than an insider?

Plus, there is this tension between British colonizers and Egyptians. Once again, one could easily say Brits: outsiders, Egyptians: insiders. But here enters in Ahmed again to confuse us. As a woman who received her formal education in large part from British institutions and British teachers, is she, as well as other Egyptians in similar situations, not an outsider here too? Though she may not sympathize directly with British politics in Egypt (wait a second, thats an older, "outsider" Ahmed who has that opinion) is she not an individual in large part shaped by their force? Additionally, Ahmed acknowleges her father to have in some part internalized colonialism in his efforts to emulate the British. The "colonial internalization" is apparently a sympton of many colonized peoples. Once over, this is a western concept that Ahmed has learned to diagnose. Britain has infiltrated. Even more uncomfortably, is it possible that the roles can be reversed in this outsider/insider relationship between Britain and Egypt? Since Britain has called the shots in Egypt for basically for seventy-years of emperialism, perhaps it is they, the administrators and foreign authority, that are the real insiders here. The colonizers are calling the shots, they become the insiders to thier own game while the colonized are the outsiders learning the rules. As already evidenced in the above paragraph, can't outsiders make better insiders than insiders?

Lastly, in the book, there seems to be a sense of insiders and outsiders even within the Egyptian citizenry. Ahmed, aware in some degree of her "outsider" status, seems to envy other Egyptians for being more Egyptian then her. But as my TA pointed out in an email once "is there one true face to Islam?" this question has broader implications: the whole notion of "Egyptian" can't fall to one person as a model for everyone else. Ahmed expresses the ambiguities of people's identity within Egypt in the first place, and how the term Egyptian may not fully encapsulate a person. Well, for that matter, no term fully encapsulates anyone, so where are these insider groups to be found? If we accept the lesson there there is no "essence" of a person, we can extend this to say, there is no "essence" of cultural identity. I think Zizek said somewhere in his book, Violence, that a "body of people" or "nation" is actually a idea that no one fully sees: it is physically impossible. Yet we attribute characteristics to it, and assume that out there are people, Others, who exemplify all these ideals associated with the nation. In this way, we are all outsiders to some percieved ideal.

So where does this consideration of insider v. outsider go? It is a false diachotomy of sorts. They are most helpful as words to be manipulated... as tools to craft identity in relation to whoever is weilding them. It would be interesting to trace this insider/outsider duo to other historical situations.


Thursday, October 14, 2010

in which i eat of the wonka nerds

I've just consumed three mini-nerds boxes in a fit of rage: purple, pink, then purple again. I did it in that order because I like the pink the best but because there was only one pink left I had to offset it by purples, since, afterall, I do not want a purple saturation taste in my mouth. There is too much going on in my mouth as it is right now: a cold sore and two, TWO canker sores. Consequently, I feel like a messy slob. And I know its because of the weather, and the stress blah blah but you may be wondering... why does someone in a fit of rage take the time to consider their nerd order admidst the gulps?

I guess this is not a true fit of rage. I'm sad too. Because because sometimes I'm afraid I believe just anything I read. That I read a book on feminism and animal ethics and everything that I hear makes me think we are all sexist animal abusers. Because somedays I feel like an idiot, and not a good, "ah I am aware of my lack of knowlege so actually I am wise to believe that I am an idiot" idiot-- but the actual jerkish kind who thinks they have shit to say but really dont.

Im sad because I think people play into roles without realizing it... especially in romantic relationships but also in school among educators. Teachers are no better than preachers in that they all love the converted rebel. Once you're in their orbit and actually want to learn well-- no you are immediately unattractive and their interests in you will drop OR never spark in the first place. My advice? Play hard to get because that's all people understand any more.

BESIDES measuring intelligence is bullshit so why doesnt everyone just act like everyone else is extremely bright, because they are. Really they are. We are. Even if I say the dumbest thing, I want someone to challenge me on it. And even if I write something terrible, or vague, or silly, or confusing, or half-assed, I want a teacher to go for it and treat me like someone who wants to learn. Isnt that enough? What is this nonsense where they sit back and try to ascertain "what sort of student you are" -- and then treat you accordingly after they think they've "figured you out"? The danger in this is if enough educators do it, then we start believing it. We will seperate ourselves out into our appropriate types. All because their grad school must of not have emphasised the virtues of empathy and patience. Becuase it takes time and humanity and discusssions of real things unfolding between people. Becuase it's harder to do than to decide who gets into an "inner circle" of knowledge-- dangling your intellect just out of reach of those you teach instead of fellowship and communion with those who just want to figure things out too.
Its rude. Intentional or not.





Wednesday, September 29, 2010

gut response, cloud nine dialogue

:Mommy, wont you save the dance?

:I'll dance with you dear when your daddy isn't home.

:Why doesnt Daddy, Daddy like to dance?

:Because its silly and special, I'll cut strawberries for it.

:Yes, lets leave him out.

:Heres your sugar, Sugar.

Monday, September 27, 2010

theory

I want to prove that "to understand" is the same as "to love." With my whole life I am afraid I will never be able to create or build something wonderful; I will only be able to understand and acknowledge wonderful things. And if this understanding is the same thing as love, if theory really means "passionate sympathetic contemplation," as some Greek once connotated, than perhaps I can strive and reach success through this avenue. Otherwise I am doomed to forever behold brilliance but never reflect it.

shifting topography, disconcerting

I got online this morning before classes to check the weather. I have a riding lesson this afternoon, and just as I suspected: thunderstorms continuing at a 70% chance through the night. I left that weather channel window (channel, window) to open and print some reading. When I clicked the bar at the bottom where this weather channel window was saved, a new window appeared in its place. IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A DUI YOU ARE PAYING TOO MUCH FOR AUTO INSURANCE. The weather channel window was subsumed.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

book learnin

When I was small and read the books,
I found adventures and hiding nooks
Golden fish, paths to the sea
Swaddles of pillows bishops and kings

I heard a Good Voice that makes the constant word
but now I'm old, troubled, absurd.
The books have changed and ganged up on me

I fell in line from threats of monsters and witches,
now I fall from

They're not the same and neither am I--

I see them around corners armed with swords and knives
When I see them its bad, when I dont its worse

I once played at Knowlege's feet;
now I'm afraid to look him in the eye.


Saturday, September 25, 2010

peter pan

I should be working on my homework. I really should. But instead I am watching Peter Pan on vhs-- "he can fly, he can fly, he flew!"

Interesting observations:

Mr. Darling, the patriarch of the family, becomes annoyed when his sons listen to Wendy's stories. He banishes her out of the nursery the same night he sends Nana, the nursedog, out of the nursery and into the garden. Nana's eliciting sympathy from the mother and children of the family cause Mr. Darling's jealousy. His worry over his sons "practical"-ness at the hands of Wendy's fancies combined with jealousy of the nurse cause Mr. Darling to enforce a certain "geography of containment" over his home. And in this way, one may have insights into sexism from a cartoon stereotype.

Words and reality take on a special meaning in Peter Pan. It is not clear from the beginning of the movie who came first-- the stories about Peter Pan , or Pan himself. There is a seamless transition to stories about Peter Pan to his sudden appearance. This pattern happens again when the children think of happy thoughts in order to fly: "a mermaid lagoon," says Wendy "Indians," "a pirate ship," say John and Michael. And as the Darlings arrive at Neverland, each of these places and people come to exist. Do their words create, or merely catalogue, reality?

Hmm is it something about the costume? -- Both Peter Pan and Robin Hood dawn similar garb to all ladies' devastation. What is it about green tights with a matching smock? Maybe its the little triangle hat with the red feather... or the similar devil-may-care, jolly attitudes of the two characters. What ever it is, oooh dah-lally!